Growing up

A few months ago, my friends and I had a hilarious conversation on how back in college, we thought that it was creepy for people our age to be in relationships with employed people. Paolo put our sentiment best in these words "Yuck may trabaho na boyfriend/girlfriend nyan?"

It dawned on me, and probably them too, that the tables have turned. If one among the singles in our group were to have a relationship with a colegiala or, Heaven forbid, a high schooler, the girl's friends would also probably think the way we did.

As boisterous as that conversation was, its connotations were obvious: we are not getting any younger. But I am not talking just about our ages. More and more, our talks turn to serious topics. Things which I previously thought were only for "mature" folks are popping more frequently in our discussions. Even in that particular talk, we touched on the fact that we can now be sued for child abuse if we do something as stupid as date a minor.

Don't get me wrong though. We don't exactly limit ourselves to profound subjects. Seemingly trivial matters are also included in the things we discuss passionately. Deliberations on what body part we'd be willing to give up or what stupid thing we would agree to do to sleep with famous people is one such example.

But back to adulthood. As countless people before me probably thought to themselves quietly or said out loud, growing up changes people. That's just how it is. Experience changes perspectives. Things we thought valid then seem silly today. Take fatherhood for example. Back in high school, it was a topic discussed in hushed voices and somber tones. Nowadays, its something my peers talk about with enthusiasm and anticipation.

A high school friend of mine, Tristan, in fact recently experienced the joy of becoming a parent. The guy was in really high spirits. I couldn't be happier for him. So as tribute to his becoming a dad I am posting here this funny and informative article on fatherhood from GQ Magazine's June 2007 issue. It has Jessica Alba on the cover, who by the way is an expecting parent herself. The whole article is long but it's well worth it. Enjoy!

Yes fatherhood is terrifying. Have you seen a new father lately? He looks like he just escaped from Guantanamo. We'd like to tell you not to worry. But the fact is: Sleep deprivation is real. A whole new universe of pressures and priorities is about to emerge You'll wake up in the middle of the night doing college-tuition computations. You'll wonder if you've taken your last trip to Europe or to the bar for that matter. But mild torture and low-level dread are only the smallest fraction of the experience-like, did we mention unparalleled affirmation? Sheer joy? A renewed sense of purpose? The subgenre a women who find you, the new dad sexy? There's a lot you don't know about fatherhood before you become a dad, and the vast majority of it is good.

The biggest problem with becoming a dad these days, besides the stinging realization that you are not the center of the known universe, is that no one tells you how to do it. We're not like women who seem to be in a lifelong training course for motherhood and who have a vast mommy-industrial complex of books, shows, magazines, and expert friends at their disposal. The only experience we've had with fatherhood was through our own fathers- which if you haven't noticed ain't exactly the model for how things work anymore.

In the intervening years, mom/dad lines have blurred. You're participation in the daily life of you're child is no longer just interesting. It's required. You're expected to know everything only no one thought you anything. But we're here to tell you, knowledge is available. There are ways to avoid certain pitfalls. Ways to make yourself invaluable. Certain bits of technology you'll want to avail yourself of. Some hardships you'll want to commiserate over. We figure you can learn it all in about ten magazine pages-give or take a decade.

-In the immediate aftermath of your child's birth, you will experience euphoria that you've never felt before. You will want to hug the man who sells your newspaper and random people who pass you on the street. You will want to tell everybody how much you appreciate them. You will feel intense love and admiration for your wife. Food will taste better. The sky will be bluer. You will jog faster, lift more, maybe even stop bitching and moaning. You will tap into hidden reserves of energy, generosity, and forgiveness you never knew existed.

-After six weeks, this euphoria will wear off and at that point, it's every man for himself.

-Someone in your family and friends-maybe everyone in your family and friends will have an opinion about the name you choose for your child. Fuck 'em.

-But really don't pick a name that will make your kid the laughingstock in school.

-The urge, in those adrenaline-stoked first days and weeks to document every moment of your child's life is fierce. Do not be afraid to indulge your inner documentarian. Your wife will be consumed with feeding the baby and sleeping when she can, so it falls to you to be the keeper of the archives. *You will feel like this for the rest of your child's life. And it is this heartbreaking photographic record that will make you realize,as the years go by and the kids grow up, that the notion of life being all about loss is some profound shit.

-A caveat to all this camera stuff. Enough with the mass e-mails containing links to galleries of digital photos and videos of Baby's first diaper change, first bath, first regurgitation-induced unintentional wink. Hard it is to believe, not everyone will be as interested as you.

-Actually, no one will be as interested as you.

-Yes, your old routine has been changed. But this new self you inhabit... doesn't mind. Your buddies who call you pussy whipped because you don't go out anymore have it wrong. They're assuming you want to hang out the way you did before. What you have to guard against is dropping out completely.

-In order not to drop out completely, follow these for simple steps:

• Two words: edible underwear. And we don't mean for the kid.
• Play some pickup basketball:. Go skiing. Learn to put miniature ocean vessels into bottles. Do something once a week that does not involve your family. And may involve your friends.
• Watch TV. Listen to grown-up talks to each other. Mimic them.
• Bring your kid to an art exhibit or a game. Take your kid into the adult world once in a while instead of you spending all your time in Kid Land.

-Be prepared for change. To avoid change is opt out of being a parent. Accept this fact: Everything about your life will be different. Your priorities, your free time, your work life, your sex life, what you think as you're falling asleep, what you wan to do as you wake up. But this doesn't mean you have to abandon your identity. Your kids need you to have interests of your own. (How else will they learn to be independent?) Your job is to figure out how to devote your entire being to them and keep yourself happy. No pressure!

-Due to complicated hormonal changes after childbirth your wife will develop large, firm, porn star boobs. Those are not for you.

-During year one, child rearing is entirely a quantitative matter. Lots of manual labor most of it involving food and feces.

It's only natural: You will live in fear of screwing up.

-It's also irrational. If you screw up in the first couple of years, don't worry. The kid won't remember it. There is a grace period.

-Do not buy your wife Pocket Mom, 101 Secrets A Cool Mom Knows, or the Modern Girl's Guide to Motherhood. If she is prone to anxiety, reading about all the ways she is falling short of perfection will make her head explode.

-For the six months, when all the babies do is sleep and eat, you can go to restaurants more than ever.

-Spoiler alert: after that, you're pretty much fucked.

-At some point, you will need some "me" time, away from night duty and diaper hell. We suggest grabbing a couple of friends and for some outdoors recreation.

-Make sure your wife does something selfish, too. Send for a weekend to a secluded spa, where she can de-stress with a menu of muscle-soothing spa services-massage, wraps, facials- all happily free of diaper-rash cream and applesauce.

-Appreciate the sweet rejuvenating nectar of life that is the fifteen-minute nap. Do not squander those opportunities ever.

-Ever.

-Be prepared to feel, at times, like the family dog. Your needs come, like, last.

-On the other hand be prepared to feel, at times, like the greatest human being who ever walked the face of the earth.

-On the other (third) hand, only 12 more years until your kid thinks you're a total dick.

-There is one thing you cannot sacrifice for your baby, and that is your marriage. Listen now: Your baby does not come before first. Your marriage comes first. You must carve out the space to preserve and protect it.

-Besides locking up knives, guns, and barrels of ammonium nitrate, you don't need to safety-ize your house. People go crazy with this, buying soft everything, putting bumpers on corners, bolting toilet seats shut, sealing the Windex in a vault. The better option? Teach your kid to leave the stuff.

-Nearly anything you are likely to hear about the future cost of college will frighten and appall you.

-You will be tempted to compare your kids to your friends' kids. This is a road that will crush your shit in the end.

-This is forever. More so than marriage, more so than home owning, parenthood is an irrevocable commitment to a lifetime of joy and worry. This is something that dawns on you slowly, very slowly. The first few year are all about getting through this particular moment, the head-down blur of sleepless nights and exploding diapers and frantic calls to the doctors about obviously harmless rashes that might be life-threatening, telling yourself that if I can only make it through this phase, life will go back to normal, everything will become easier, less exhausting, less complicated. Only it doesn't. The challenges, joys, anxieties, and rewards change, shape, and adapt, and there is no moving beyond them. They move from the physical (is the baby still breathing?) to the emotional (is my id unhappy?), and that's when the mind takes over. What becomes real, a few years in, is a small epiphany. This is forever. The cosmology of your life has changed. there is no going back to "the way things were." Not that they'd ever want to, anyway.

-Relax. The fate of your children is ultimately out of your hands.